Falling
by ShinigamiPhoenix
Summary: Hard to summarise. Duo has to reject Heero but doesnt want to. will they end up together anyway? Just read it! DISCONTINUED
1. Default Chapter

Notes: I wanted to write a fic about how the have such dangerous lives and they couldn't care about dying because otherwise they would and how they couldn't love because they were at war and voila! this fic was born! Enjoy and review!  
  
You'd probably think that Heero would be the responsible one, and he usually is. But he can't be responsible when he's so lost. He had no idea what he was feeling, strange urges and desires welling up inside him, and he was completely confused.   
  
So it was up to me. Because I did understand what he-and I-were feeling. And I knew that we could never, ever act on it. To act on it would be death.   
  
Maybe you don't understand. Maybe you can't see why lust and love could be so deadly for us. So I'll explain.  
  
We are Gundam pilots, terrorists. We put our lives on the line every damn day. We step out the door and don't know if we'll survive the day. And we depend on that. We go out there and do what we have to do because we just don't give a shit. We stare Death in the face and don't care.  
  
That attitude was key to our success. If we had something holding us back... we'd lose. If something-or someone-crawled into our hearts and stayed there, we wouldn't be able to go out there and do what had to be done. We couldn't care, we couldn't want to live. Not if we wanted to survive.   
  
So when I saw the emotions storming in Heero's eyes, I knew we were in trouble. I knew he was falling and didn't know how to open the parachute. And I knew I either watched him fall and die, or I pulled his parachute and watched him live to hate me.   
  
I prayed, I hoped, that he would ignore his new emotions, but deep in my heart, I knew he wouldn't, I knew he would take that leap. All I could do was prepare myself to lessen my own pain and wait, wait for that fateful day when I would have to break his heart to save his life. 


	2. Chapter Two: The Rejection

Notes: This is it, guys, the rejection! Get the tissues ready!  
  
This chapter had been redone, and I wanna say a big thanks to Sparkle Itamashii for your review and suggestions. I used most of them, but kept a couple of things because that's how I like it. Anyway, this chapter is dedicated to you, because I think it's a lot better now and it's all thanks to you.   
  
We hadn't received a mission for over a week. At first the break was welcomed as a nice relief from the fighting, but I was a Gundam pilot and Shinigami to boot. I thrived on danger. I was addicted to the adrenaline rush. I loved dancing that sweet edge. So after the fifth day of nothing I was getting bored, restless, agitated. So was Heero.   
  
Our Gundams were hidden four miles away, through rocky terrain, little crops of rocks jutting up from the ground, not really big enough for cover, but big enough to be damned annoying, and a hazard in the dark. We were in a tiny little cabin in the middle of nowhere. There was very little room. Too little. Guys like Heero and me need space to function. We especially need space from each other. Putting both of us in such a small cabin was like putting two tigers in one cage. We snapped and snarled at each other readying for a fight. But I knew that the pain we caused would not be physical. No, this pain would be much, much worse.  
  
Hot does not describe the temperature of the cabin. There was no thermometer around, so I couldn't check the temperature exactly, but my god it was hot. I was sweating as if I'd just had a three-hour workout session, and I was only lying on the sofa, fanning myself with an old manga I'd had stashed in my bag. Heero was sitting in the armchair, typing something on his laptop. Sweat beaded his skin, but he didn't show any signs of discomfort in the godforsaken heat. For some reason, that pissed me off.   
  
"Heero, aren't you hot?" I asked, and he glanced at me.  
  
"Yes."   
  
"You don't look it."  
  
"Hn."  
  
"I mean, come on, Heero, it's got to be triple-degrees out there, and you're acting like it's nothing!"  
  
"Temperature is irrelevant."  
  
I snorted. "Bullshit! They may have done some weird shit to you, Heero, but this heat would annoy even Superman!"   
  
"Duo, I am trying to work." His voice was that cold and calculated one that he uses right before he starts shouting, sort of like when a little kid is pestering his daddy and he's trying to be patient with him. Hm. Bad analogy.  
  
"Work on WHAT? We haven't received any missions that we need to plan for, we sent our reports for our last mission days ago, we have nothing to work on!"  
  
"Duo..."  
  
"Why don't you just leave that fucking laptop alone and play a game with me? Twenty questions? I spy? Truth or dare? The name game? Either or? The-"  
  
"Dammit, Duo, shut the fuck up!"   
  
I jumped at the sound of his angry voice, staring at him with wide eyes. He was using his Death Glare on me, not that I was affected, and his hands were clenched into fists. He was about two seconds away from hitting me.   
  
Having him so pissed at me, coupled with the unbearable heat, made me equally pissed. I wanted to shout at him. I wanted to hit him. I wanted to shoot him. I wanted.... I took a deep breath and shut the fuck up.  
  
~*~  
  
Remember how I complained about how hot it was? Well, apparently, this was one of those places that is really hot during the day, and fucking freezing at night. As soon as darkness fell, all the heat went poof! I did not like that. I like some warning before the weather does a one eighty, so I am not outside sunbathing in my boxers when the temperature drops a few hundred degrees. That little experience had not improved my mood, as I'm sure you can imagine. I'd had three fights with Heero in four hours, before he stormed off to the bedroom. It was nearing midnight, but I wasn't sleepy, and I don't think Heero was either.  
  
I was sipping my coffee, brooding, when Heero walked out of the bedroom. He was only wearing a pair of ratty jeans with the knees slashed, his feet and chest bare. (Did he not fucking care that it was freezing outside?) My breath caught in my throat at the sight of him. He was so primal and predatory....   
  
"Missions?" He asked. The question was completely unnecessary because my laptop was sitting on the sofa, and he would have heard it beep.  
  
"Nope, not a word."  
  
"Damn."  
  
"Don't worry, Heero. We'll get to go out and blow something up soon."   
  
"Hn." He turned, heading for what was laughingly called a kitchen, and I felt my stomach turn to ice as his eyes lingered on me for just a second longer.  
  
No. It couldn't happen now. I wasn't ready to do this. I wasn't ready to watch his heart shatter because of me. I didn't want to do this. Don't make me do this.  
  
"Duo?"   
  
A light touch fell on my knee and I snapped my eyes open, unaware that I had been squeezing them closed, to find that it was his hand. He was sitting next to me, my laptop now on the floor, and he was only inches away. His eyes were drowningly deep, the colour of sapphires, his skin bronzed from the sun, his muscles hardened from fighting. He was... perfect. All the hardness was gone from his eyes, leaving them naked with emotion, and his face wasn't scowling, but... curious, almost as if he were searching for something in my eyes.   
  
"Heero, I-"  
  
"You looked scared. What's wrong?"  
  
"N-Nothing."  
  
"Oh." He looked down at his hands and I used the pause to take a deep breath. I had to do this. I had to do this. I HAD TO DO THIS!   
  
He looked up at me again, his blue eyes swimming with emotions. The air tingled, sparks dancing along my skin. His face was so close to mine, his eyes... his lips...  
  
The urge to kiss him welled up inside me stronger than ever before and I leaned forward a fraction of an inch.   
  
NO! This couldn't happen! I couldn't allow it! It would kill us both!   
  
I pulled away sharply and watched confusion join the emotions in his eyes. I forced a laugh, though it was a touch shaky, and waved a finger at him.  
  
"Watch what you're doing there, buddy. I'm not interested."   
  
Disappointment welled up in his eyes, along with darker things that I didn't want to name. And I nearly cried at the sight of his heart dying.   
  
"I-"  
  
"Hey, it's cool, no offence taken, ya know, just don't try it again."   
  
"I-I-I'm sorry." He fled the cabin before I could even blink and I let my head fall into my hands.  
  
My tears were hot against my skin, splashing silently onto my cheeks. I do not make sounds that indicate vulnerability, not since my days on the street, so there was no whimpering or sobbing, no wailing to go with the weeping, just a faint tremor running through my body.  
  
My immense pain was lessened slightly by the knowledge that he returned my feelings. Heero didn't know that. He thought he had been rejected the one time he'd dared to reach out. God, I couldn't imagine what he was feeling. I longed to rush after him and tell him it wasn't true, that I did love him, that I did want him, but I COULDN'T DO THAT!  
  
A tiny hiccuping sob escaped me and I fled to the bedroom. I hid under the luxuriously thick quilt as I cried myself to sleep. 


	3. Chapter Three: The Dream

Notes: Thanks for all your reviews, I love you guys! Y'all wanted Heero to find Duo crying, and I liked that idea, too, but it didn't mesh with what I wanted to happen, so I had to be really mean to Duo, but I like it like this because I'm an angst-addict, so just don't hate me! Enjoy and review!  
  
I was so cold, a deep iciness in my very soul. I rejected him. The one person I had ever loved, the one person who was so afraid of reaching out, and I rejected him. what kind of heartless bastard was I?   
  
Deep down in my heart, I knew I had done the right thing, but that didn't stop the rest of my heart shouting obscenities at me. Gods, he was so fragile, on the inside, that's why he had such thick armour, and he had dared to open a crack in the armour and let me in and I had smashed his heart with a sledgehammer!  
  
Why hadn't I tried to explain why we couldn't get together? He's a smart guy, a bloody genius, he'd have understood! He knows that the war comes first, that nothing can interfere with The Mission! He wouldn't go all love-sick stupid just because of his feelings! He's the frigging Perfect Soldier, he would've understood!   
  
The door opened and I froze, heart stopping. Soft footsteps approached my bed and stopped. Faint breathing, barely audible. What was he doing? What was he gonna do? Hit me? Yell at me? Ignore me?   
  
Before I knew what was happening, my lovely quilt was sliding at an incredibly fast rate, down my body, and landing in the floor. I blinked, gasped, and stared at Heero, very aware of my tear-streaked face.   
  
His expression was... weird. Well, okay, he didn't have much of an expression, he never does, but his eyes were definitely weird, and I've learned that you have to search his eyes to find the emotions. And his eyes were dark and emotional, but I just didn't know what emotion.   
  
I was scared, I admit that freely. I had just shattered the heart of the guy who bends steel, and I didn't know what he was gonna do. And honestly? I don't think I would stop whatever he wanted to do. Because I deserved it. Right or wrong, I had hurt him in the worst way imaginable. If he wanted to yell, I'd listen. If he wanted to hit, I'd let him. If he wanted to kill me... I'd give him the fucking gun.   
  
A very slight frown creased his brow as he crawled onto the bed beside me, pulling me into a sitting position. I sniffed and raised a hand to wipe my cheeks, but he stopped me with his own hand. Wordlessly, he reached up and ran a thumb under my eye, taking away the wetness. Starting directly into my eyes, he raised his thumb to his lips and licked it, tasting my tears.   
  
I couldn't think. My brain had shut down around about the time when Heero had touched my face. I saw everything happening with a strange sort of detachment, like I wasn't in my own body anymore.   
  
"Why are you crying?" he whispered, just the breath of a whisper.  
  
"Because I hurt you," I replied, without really meaning to.   
  
"Don't cry because of me. I hate to see you sad."  
  
"Heero, I-"  
  
"Sssshhh. No more words."   
  
Then, he leaned forward and kissed my tears away. I think I stopped breathing, but I'm not sure, because I still had that not-my-body thing going on. The feel of his lips on my skin was... odd. It was soft and warm and... odd.   
  
He drew away just enough to look in my eyes again, searching for... something. I tried really hard to figure out what was going on, but my brain had apparently gone on vacation. I think that was a combination of shock, confusion, and Heero being so close. You try thinking rationally and logically when the personification of wet dreams is just a few inches away.   
  
His eyes drifted closed, and he leaned forward again, and I honestly had no idea what he was planning until his lips brushed mine.   
  
Suddenly, I was back in my own body again, and the feel of Heero kissing me was enough to make me shudder. Unthinking, I kissed him back, letting my tongue dance with his and explore his mouth.   
  
My brain had returned from its vacation to completely short-circuit on me. The mere thought that Heero could be kissing me was enough to completely shut down all my thinking. Heero was kissing me? Heero couldn't be kissing me. Heero was kissing me.   
  
And my God it was good. So soft and sweet and predatory and viscous and so many things that didn't make sense.  
  
It lasted for an eternity and wasn't long enough. When lack of oxygen became a serious problem, we drew away and stared at each other. Heero had kissed me. Why had Heero kissed me? Heero hated me.   
  
"I love you, Duo," he whispered, and I felt hope surge through my heart. He loved me? I hadn't hurt him? I hadn't shattered his heart?   
  
"You-You do?"  
  
"Yes. I love you with every breath that I have."  
  
He leaned forward for another kiss, eyes closing, lips drawing ever nearer....  
  
.... And the dream exploded into fiery ashes.   
  
I woke up, gasping for breath, struggling to maintain that gorgeous illusion, and left only with bitter reality. A cold, harsh reality where Heero hated me and I was alone.   
  
Fresh tears welled up in my eyes, splashing onto my cheeks, and Heero wasn't there to kiss them away. Heero would never be there. I was alone. I was alone and cold and hurting and that would never change. I had been offered a single chance to know happiness and love and I had smashed it, destroyed it, and I would not get another chance. Heero was gone. And he wouldn't be back. 


	4. Chapter Four: The Journal

Notes: This chapter was gonna deal with how Duo and Heero act around each other now, but then my muse put in the bit with the journal, so I'll deal with that next chapter. Anyway, this chapter mainly consists of entries into Duo's journal, so expect lots of angst. Next chapter should be up within a week or so. Enjoy and review!  
  
I don't know what eventually woke me up, all I know is that one minute I was asleep, drifting in a cold, empty nothingness, and the next, I was staring up at the quilt, which was still completely hiding me. I held my breath, stilled my body, and opened all my senses to try and find out what had awoken me.   
  
It was a few minutes before I heard it again-a soft hitching of the breath, followed by a rustle of bed sheets. Heero was in the room, in his bed. Oh, God, I didn't know how to handle this. I hadn't thought about how I was gonna handle being around him from now on. And-what was that sound? It couldn't be what it sounded like. Heero didn't cry. Maybe he was having a nightmare? But... he usually wakes up pretty quickly from his nightmares.   
  
So, which did I prefer? Heero crying or Heero dreaming?   
  
Heero was dreaming, having a nightmare, not uncommon for us Gundam pilots. He'd wake up in a few moments and be alright.  
  
I raised my wrist and pressed the little button that turned on the small light, letting me see that it was just after three in the morning. No way would I be going back to sleep now. I sighed and sat up, letting the quilt bunch around my waist. I glanced over at Heero and saw that he was turned away from me, wrapped tightly in his quilt, curled into a little ball. He looked so... vulnerable. I couldn't see his face, or much of anything, but he didn't look like the Perfect Soldier, Gundam pilot and Oz-butt-kicker extrodinaire, he looked like a fifteen-year-old boy who'd just had his heart crushed.  
  
My throat tightened suddenly and tears burned in my eyes, but I was so not going through that again, and forced myself to calm down-having some of the most intense training known to man has it's perks sometimes.   
  
Taking a deep breath, I walked silently out of the room, closing the door with a soft click. There was no light, but that of the moon shining in from the curtain-less window, and I waited a moment for my eyes to adjust.   
  
My laptop was still sitting on the coffee table and I sat down on the sofa, booting it up. I type in several passwords that bring up my medium-level security desktop, click a hidden icon, type in a few more passwords, and get to the highly-classified stuff.   
  
This is where I keep my journal, and I opened it up, reading a few entries. They weren't very cheerful, full of angst about Heero and being Shinigami. No matter what mask I show the outside world, my journal tells the complete, unadulterated truth. No half-lies and evasions, no dancing around and playing with words, just the brutal truth.   
  
-I guess it's my own fault for falling for him. I always have a thing for the unattainable. And that's what he is. Not just because he doesn't do emotional attachments, but because he and I are Gundam pilots. We can't love. And that just made me love him more. And it made me hurt more. Every time I see him, it's a bittersweet feeling, being so close and being too close. He fills my vision like a blinding light, filled with seductive danger. Yeah, I like danger, sue me. I've been in danger my whole life, you either love it or hate it, and I chose to love it. And that just makes Heero all the more perfect. He is danger personified. But he is unattainable, completely and utterly. I can't tell him how I feel. But I want to. Oh, I want to so much. I want to lay my heart bare to him. I want to tell him how beautiful I think he is. I want to tell him how I see how much he hurts over the people he kills and I want to comfort him. I want to do so much. But I can't. I never can. Damn this fucking war!-  
  
-He thinks I don't notice, the way he wakes up trembling, biting down screams. He thinks I sleep through it all. Doesn't he realise that I am an ex-street rat Gundam pilot? Doesn't he realise that I wake up whenever he starts to whimper? I know every single time he has a nightmare. I sit there and watch him suffer, because he would kill me if I tried to comfort him. Gods, maybe that wouldn't be so bad. A moment of heaven before I get sent to hell. Nah, I'm not the suicidal type. I may not love life, but I don't wanna die. Well, I actually don't care, but I don't really wanan die, not enough to suicide. Well, I've had my off moments where I've thought about it but nothing really serious. I'm getting off track. Where was I? Ah, yes. Heero. Heero, Heero, Heero.-  
  
-Add three more innocents to Shinigami's body count. I had to take out a base today, along with Wufei, only one of the suits flew away, and I chased it. We ended up fighting over a public park. Most of the people pegged it when they saw us coming, but one little brother and sister pair were climbing a tree and too scared to move, and their mother was trying to get them down, only she couldn't. I didn't see them at first. It was only as the suit was crashing into the tree that I heard the screams and shouts, and saw the crumpled and bloody bodies, lying like broken dolls on the ground. Wufei doesn't know about it. He wasn't there and I haven't told him. In my missions report, I simply entered 'civillian casualties: three'. No one but me knows the pain I feel. They couldn't have been more than five or six. They shouldn't be dead. They shouldn't have fallen to Shinigami.-  
  
-Quatre made us all eat dinner together tonight. We don't normally do that, because we have pretty independent lives-working on our Gundams, preparing from missions, recuperating from missions, going on missions, so we usually just eat when we get hungry, but Quatre insisted that we HAD to eat dinner together. Something about 'being good for us'. I dunno. But it was pretty nice. We had some beef casserole thingy that Trowa made, and shit, can that guy cook. Heero even made a few nice comments on it. I guess we were all pretty relaxed, and had a few rounds of cards after dinner. I tried to initiate a game of strip poker, but Wufei shot me down. Funnily enough, Heero didn't object.-  
  
-There was a storm today, a real thunderstorm, not just rain and wind. Lightning streaked across the sky and thunder boomed and everything. I sat outside for a few minutes, just content to sit there, until I felt the need to be a part of it, and started dancing. I can't really remember how I danced or for how long, but I remember feeling eyes on me. I ignored it for a while, focusing on the awesome power on the storm, but then it became irritating, and I started to search for my watcher, only to find him gone. I went inside, but everyone was already in bed. Wonder who it was?-  
  
Sighing, I scrolled to the end of the long document, entered a new header stating the date and place, and began writing. I poured my soul into the electronic pages, describing my love and my hurt, describing everything I felt, for my future self to read. I poured all my tears into that entry, determined never to cry over Heero again. This was it. This was my cleansing. I had screwed any chance of friendship with Heero and now I had to move on.   
  
-It's gonna be hard, facing him day after day, pretending to be the same but knowing I have changed forever. I will always remember the look in his eyes when he dared to reach out to me, and I will remember the look when I destroyed his heart. Those twin looks will haunt me for eternity. Nothing can ever excuse what I did to him, I know that, but maybe, someday, I can do something that will help lessen the pain. And my guilt. Sister Helen always said that hope is a cardinal virtue. But I fear this time it is misplaced. They say that time heals all wounds. They lie.- 


	5. Chapter Five: The Aftermath

Notes: This is what happens when Duo and Heero see each other after the rejection. You can guess how Heero acts, can't you? This isn't very good, but... Enjoy and review!  
  
I was terrified. It was an hour past dawn and Heero would be waking any moment. He would get dressed, spend a few minutes in the bathroom, and then... I couldn't face him. How was I supposed to grin and joke when I was screaming inside? I'm a good actor, but I'm not THAT good.   
  
But... if I didn't act the joker, he'd think that I had been offended by his attempted kiss, or that I was disgusted or something, and that would hurt him more, so.... I had to do this.   
  
God, that was becoming my fucking motto: I had to do this. I had to break his heart. I had to act the joker. I had to ignore my feelings. I had to... lie. I used to think nothing could ever make me lie, but I realise now that there is only one thing on Earth with the power to make me lie, and that is Heero. I would do anything for him.   
  
I was snapped out of my musings by the door opening quietly. Oh, shit.... Here we go.   
  
He looked.... Oh, God, he looked like he had that first night I'd met him-cold, distant, emotionless, the Perfect fucking Soldier.   
  
Okay, okay, I could do this, I could do this, I could do this. I hoped.   
  
"Uh, hey, Heero, I made coffee, ya want?" My voice was nice and cheerful, and if he didn't look too closely at my eyes, my mask was all but perfect. I knew he wouldn't look at my eyes.   
  
"No. Missions?"  
  
"Nope, we're still on vacation. I got a message from Quatre, though, and he says that the fighting's hotted up a bit in the past few days, so we should be getting a mission soon. He said that Trowa was undercover at a base in Colorado, so if we go meet up with the guys any time soon, he probably won't be there, but Wufei and he are there, and-"  
  
"Shut up, baka."  
  
Okay, ouch. His voice had been so cold and.... I couldn't do this. I couldn't pretend that I didn't see how much he hated me.   
  
"Heero, I...."   
  
"What?"  
  
Shut up, baka! You can't tell him! What the fuck are you thinking? "I was thinking of going out and spending the day with Deathscythe, is that okay?"   
  
"What do I care?"   
  
OUCH! "Cool, I should be back around midnight, 'kay?" I grinned at him and walked into the kitchen, grabbing a few ration bars and a protein drink from the cupboard. I tossed them into my backpack along with my laptop, some spare ammo, and an old copy of Sense and Sensibility, before slinging it onto my shoulder and walking out. I tried very hard not to notice Heero's cold glare as he watched me leave.   
  
Shut up, alright? I know I was being a coward, but I just couldn't stay there and face him. The pain, both his and mine, was still too fresh. I had to calm down, wait for the pain to dull a little bit. So I should be able to face him in oh, say... a century or two.   
  
I'll spare you my thoughts as I walked to my Gundam, it was mostly just lots and lots of angst and self-loathing and stupid wishing. Though once I did occupy my brain for a full three minutes musing about the oddness of squirrels. Don't ask me where that thought came from, but it did.   
  
Deathscythe was crouched beside Wing in a small little ravine thing, and I eagerly climbed inside the cockpit, shutting myself off from the outside world.   
  
Deathscythe was a constant friend, I could count on him through anything and everything. Yeah, I think of my Gundam as a he. I talk to him too. Shut up about it. He doesn't really answer. Well... not often, anyway.  
  
I don't really know how long I sat there, thinking about Heero, but somewhere in the whole angst and self-loathing, a little voice told me that I was being a stupid fucking coward and that if I stayed in here Heero would realise I was avoiding him and it would hurt him more.   
  
So I decided that I had to go back and face him. Which I didn't want to do. But if I didn't it would hurt him. Which I didn't want to do. Doesn't my life suck?  
  
Wishing I had a third option, I climbed out of my Gundam, patted his ankle and asked him to wish me luck, and started the long trek back to the cabin. I really, really didn't want to do this. But guess what? That's right. I had to.   
  
Sometimes I wondered if I should just take that little step into full-fledged insanity and get locked away where I wouldn't have to do anything.   
  
It was sometime after noon when I got back to the cabin. I know because Heero had just finished his lunch and he eats precisely at noon. I hesitated a moment, but then shoved down everything I wanted to say and do and forced a grin.  
  
"Hey, honey, I'm ho-ome," I sang, and got a low-level glare. He was on his laptop, of course. I had to wonder how much battery power he had left on that thing. I mean, our laptops can go for a long time, but the batteries do have a limit. Then again, he probably had a spare in his pack, Mr. Always-Prepared-Everything-Has-A-Backup.   
  
Alright, so I was avoiding the issue, the issue being Heero, and I determined to stop. I mentally took a deep breath and looked him in the eyes. I wish I hadn't.   
  
His eyes were as cold as chipped eyes, uncaring, unfeeling, the eyes of a dead man, not physically dead, but emotionally dead. They scared me almost as much as his blank eyes after he'd self-destructed that time in Siberia (AN-it is Siberia that I'm thinking of right? I haven't seen too much Gundam Wing and can't remember if I'm thinking of the right place. If I'm not, I'm talking about that time when he self-destructed when Une threatened the Colonies and Trowa took care of him.)   
  
"You said you'd be back around midnight," he stated in a flat, empty voice.   
  
"Uh, changed my mind. Deathscythe's perfect, and I can only run diagnostics and scans for so long before I start to go loco. Any missions come for us?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Ah well, we'll get something soon. I hope it's a mission that requires my 'Scythe, he's getting a little restless, ya know, and so am I, actually. All this sitting around doing nothing is really boring and I think I'm gonna go insane if we don't get a mission soon. I wonder if Quatre-" The good thing about talking almost non-stop when I'm happy or angry or just conscious? No one can tell the difference when I talk non-stop because I'm scared.   
  
"Duo, shut the fuck up."   
  
I guess that saying's right. Be careful what you wish for. I'd been wishing, praying, to get some emotion for him, and I got it. I got anger and annoyance and... hate. He hated me. He.... Shit shit shit shit shit!!!   
  
I blinked away tears and forced a grin. "Oh, come on, Heero, if I shut up then there won't be any noises and I really don't like silence because it is just so bo-oring! Maybe if we had a stereo or something, or even a TV, or a-"  
  
I didn't see him move. One minute, I'm babbling on, and the next, Heero's chair had been knocked over, I was on the floor with him standing over me, and my jaw hurt like a sonofabitch.   
  
I'll always wonder, if I'd let him get that punch in. I'm not as fast as he is, I know that, but I am still damned fast, and I should've been able to dodge it slightly. But I didn't. He hit me, full on, though not enough to break my jaw, I noted absently, and I can remember thinking very clearly, three words: I deserved that.  
  
He stared at me for the longest moment, one of those moments that seem to last for an eternity. I stared back, hoping vainly to see regret or sorrow in his eyes. I found cold hatred and... disgust. I saw anger and revulsion. But I didn't see regret. I don't think he was happy about hitting me, but he didn't regret it.   
  
A low-pitched chime sounded, making both of us jump, and we looked at Heero's laptop. It took him a few seconds to move and answer the email. He may read fast, but he can't read all the complicated details for a mission in under three seconds. He sent back 'mission accepted' without even reading what he'd be doing. That... hurt, to put it plainly.   
  
He snapped his laptop shut and shoved it into his bag, which I noticed for the first time, was right next to the sofa. He already had his shoes on and didn't have a jacket, so he just slung his bag onto his shoulder and stalked past me to the door.  
  
"Where are you going?" I finally managed to ask, my jaw hurting with the movement.  
  
"Russia."   
  
Then he was gone. I was alone. I wondered if I'd see him again. I wondered what I'd do if I did. 


	6. Chapter Six: Bittersweet Reunion

Notes: I'm really sorry that this took so long, but the muse in control of this fic just completely buggered off, and I've been working on The Dark Roses and Saving Shinigami. Anyway, this is the big reunion between Duo and Heero, so expect angst and heartache. Oh, and I really did not intend to write the reunion this way, but the muse came back in a pissy mood and changed the story halfway through, so... Enjoy and review!   
  
Quatre was starting to really, seriously annoy me. He kept frowning and asking if I was alright, if I needed anything, if anything was wrong, if I was upset about something. I had tried to be polite, mainly because he's my best friend, but it was starting to piss me off. I knew it was because of his Space Heart and that he couldn't help but sense my emotions, and that he really did want to help, but he just couldn't seem to understand that I didn't want to open up and talk about things. I just wanted to... forget.   
  
I've been at the new safe house for twenty-three days, and spent most of that time brooding. I may have promised to not shed another tear over Heero again, but that didn't mean I couldn't brood.   
  
I kept wondering if I'd made the right choice. My head knew I had, knew that it was too big a risk to take, but my heart didn't want to know. It was the ages old battle of head versus heart, logic versus emotion, wishing versus reality. Sometimes I had myself convinced that it had been the right decision, and got a mild dose of calm that usually lasted about an hour. And sometimes I had myself convinced that I had made the wrong decision, and started thinking about how to set things right with Heero. And most of the time, I was just fucking confused.   
  
Heero has been in Russia for just over a month, and I had no idea what was going on and how he was doing. I didn't even know if he was alive. And as much as I tried desperately not to, I found myself worrying about him. He was reckless at the best of times, and I was worried just how big an affect my rejection had had on him. I kept thinking about when I'd busted him out of the hospital and he'd thrown himself down a cliff. What if he tried something like that again? What if he self-destructed again? What if he left me all alone?  
  
I knew that last thought wasn't fair, because I'd already left him all alone. Sort of. But... I was still here, if he needed me. There is a very distinct difference between being pissed at each other and having one of us dead. I could just about handle him hating me, but I didn't think I could handle him being dead. Not just yet. I knew that we were both Gundam pilots and might die at any moment, but... I really needed him to live for just a little while. Because if he died now, a part of me was going to think it was my fault. And that I definitely couldn't handle.   
  
Still, I knew I had no right, and that hurt just as much, that I had lost all rights I had with Heero. I didn't have 'friend rights' or 'best friend rights' and I barely had 'comrade rights'. And I had willingly given up those rights. Sometimes, I just wanted to shoot myself.   
  
I had discovered on my fourth day here that the place was well stocked with hot chocolate, and could rarely be seen without a cup in my hands. It was a very nice comfort drink, and I didn't have to worry about getting a caffeine buzz. I did not need to by hyper on top of everything else.  
  
I was currently sitting outside on the little deck thing, sipping a cup of cocoa and trying very hard not to think about Heero. I was failing miserably. I just kept remembering that look in his eyes, when I'd drawn away from him. He'd looked so lost and confused...  
  
"Duo?"   
  
I blinked and repressed a sigh as Quatre came out to join me, wearing that confused and worried little frown of his   
  
"Duo, are you alright?"   
  
"Just thinking," I muttered, glancing at him and then looking away again.  
  
"About what?"  
  
"... Things."   
  
"Duo... why won't you talk to me?"   
  
"Because you couldn't understand." I got up and retreated to my room, away from his persistent questions and prying Space Heart. There was actually a stereo in my bedroom, and I put on my Hybrid Theory album quietly, not wanting to disturb Wufei but still needing the music.   
  
Why couldn't I put Heero out of my mind? Why did his cobalt blue eyes haunt my dreams? Why did his broken voice whisper in my thoughts? Why did the memory of that beautifully horrible dream have to turn into a nightmare?   
  
I thought about getting some alcohol and drinking myself unconscious. I thought about starting a fight with Wufei and getting him to beat me unconscious. I thought about getting the med kit and drugging myself unconscious. I thought about staring at the ceiling and boring myself into unconscious.   
  
You might think I have an obsession with unconsciousness, but I don't. Well, not really. It's just that sleeping is slightly better than being awake, though it's really a matter of whether I preferred weird and painful dreams to logical and painful thoughts. And because of aforementioned thoughts, constantly buzzing around my head likes bees in summertime, it was very hard for me to get to sleep. I would have used some of the sleeping pills we had in the med kit, but I had a wicked fast metabolism, and drugs of any sort didn't really work on me all that well.   
  
So, night-time usually found me lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, and seeing Heero's blazing blue eyes. They looked down on me with a confusing mixture of sadness, anger, hatred, and longing. Sometimes I would speak to those ghostly eyes, whisper words of apology and declarations of love, but most of the time I would just stare at them, and feel a little prickle of pain in the shattered remains of my heart.   
  
~*~  
  
The day was pleasantly warm, with just the faintest breeze. The sky was clear and cloudless, yet not too bright. It was, in a word, perfect, but I didn't see it. Quatre had received a message last night from Heero. He would be joining us today, until he got another mission. My heart lurched painfully in my chest when Quatre told me, and I had spent all the time since wondering what I'd do when I saw him.  
  
Half of me wanted to go along with whatever games he wanted to play, to either ignore the incident or fight about it. That half of me was functioning on the reasoning that 'Heero deserves to rant and rave if he wants to and it'll be good for him and what right do I have to deny him?'  
  
And the other half of me wanted to rush to him and babble all my secrets, tell him that I loved him and wanted him and I was sorry and would he please forgive me because I'd done anything to have him not mad at me and to tell me that I hadn't screwed things up irreparably. That half of me was functioning on the reasoning that 'I'll do anything to make this pain go away and I really do want him and love him and I really am sorry and what happened to not lying?'   
  
So, I was more confused than usual. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate confusion? I do. I like things to be clear cut, yes and no, black and white, good and bad, right and wrong. I didn't like grey and maybe and neutral and uncertainty.   
  
We didn't have a definite time for Heero's arrival, just some time after noon, so it was hardly surprising that I couldn't eat anything. Quatre pestered me about it, because in his eyes missing one meal constituted starving. Stupid rich-kid upbringing. In my eyes, missing just one meal out of three was damned lucky. Starving constituted missing every meal in a week.   
  
My cocoa was only lukewarm, but I sipped it anyway, mainly so that I had something to do. The hands on the clock kept tick-tick-ticking at an annoyingly slow pace, but somehow seemed too fast. Part of me was desperate to see Heero again just so I could see him, part of me wanted him to never get here so I didn't have to see him, part of me wanted to see him and not be seen, and yet another small part of me didn't know just what I wanted. Confused? Yeah, me too.   
  
A small scuffing sound made me whirl around, cocoa splashing onto my hand.   
  
Heero was standing in the doorway, staring at me with his gorgeous midnight blue eyes. He was wearing jeans and a black tee shirt with trainers, and there was a heavy bandage wrapped around his forearm.   
  
He looked... just like he had when I'd seen him last. Gorgeous, breathtaking, temptation and power and violence personified. His hair was the same mess it had been, his muscles the same hard perfection, his skin the same bronze shade, his eyes... oh, God, his eyes were... I could lose myself in those eyes. The last time I had seen him, his eyes had been hard with cold hatred and disgust and anger. But now... now they were naked with want and longing and sorrow and defeat. He looked at me like a starving man faced with a feast but knowing he cannot eat.   
  
I wished to run to him, to wrap my arms around him and never let go, to shout to the world that he was mine and mine alone and anyone who fucked with him answered to me. But, you guessed it. I couldn't. I couldn't run to him and wrap my arms around him because of the war. I couldn't shout to the world that he was mine and mine alone because I had rejected him. I wasn't sure what I hated more: the war or myself.   
  
"Duo..." He spoke my name in the barest of whispers, his voice filled with all the things that were in his eyes, and I'm sure my heart skipped a beat. His voice was the kind of voice reserved for private moments between lovers, a voice filled with things that aren't meant to be shared. He spoke as if he owned me and I owned him. He spoke as if I hadn't rejected him.   
  
I'm not sure who moved first, him or me, but we somehow ended up in each other's arms, clinging to each other as if our lives depended on it. I knew we would both be bruised later, but couldn't summon the will to care, because Heero was in my arms and that was all that mattered. He smelled of rain and soap, a clean, sharp smell that I couldn't escape and didn't want to, because it was entirely Heero's. His hair was a silky softness against my cheek, whispering against my skin as he nuzzled my neck. His lips brushed the pulse in my neck, beating faster and faster, and I couldn't breathe. Heero was in my arms. Heero was kissing my neck. Heero, Heero, Heero.  
  
A small sound of surprise made us jump apart like we'd been shot, and we whirled around to face the intruder. Quatre was standing where Heero had stood mere minutes before, though it seemed like an eternity had passed. His expression was a mixture of confusion and surprise, with a little hint of delight. He had obviously assumed something very wrong. Or... had he?   
  
I glanced at Heero, very unsure of what had just happened and what was going to happen now, only to find that he had on that cold, emotionless Perfect Soldier mask. My heart crumbled within my chest as he turned and stalked upstairs, leaving me alone.   
  
Okay, I wanted to wake up now, please. I didn't like this dream. It was worse than the first one. I looked hopefully at Quatre, but the look on his face forced me to admit that I wasn't dreaming. This was reality, that had just happened, and I was alone again.   
  
Fuck it.   
  
Sometimes, I wondered why I bothered living at all. I hated this, I really really did. It wasn't bad enough that I had to live in this Hell, I had to keep getting little glimpses of Heaven before it was ripped away from me. Dammit, I know I'm not a saint, okay? I know I have a lot of blood on my hands and I know that I have a lot of horrible shit to make up for, but this is really too much. No one can expect me to survive this. So what if I stole and killed and tortured. So what if I tore families and friends apart. So what if I destroyed schools and churches. This was not fair! This was way too much penance for my crimes!   
  
So you can just stop it now, okay? I give up. Just... stop this pain. Please. Someone. Anyone.   
  
No one.   
  
That's what it all came down to, I guess. In the end, I was always alone. No Solo, no Father Maxwell, no Sister Helen, no Heero. No one. Just little ol' me and my pain. Fucking peachy. 


End file.
